A principle from physical sciences, aka the law of entropy.
This law postulates that all entities tend toward a state of decay. Every system will have a maximum structure that, over time, erodes. And every system has a finite amount of energy to maintain itself at that maximum structure. For example, the organization of a closet. Over time, it will become messy. The amount of energy it takes to main the high probability state of an organized closet uses more of the finite energy a system has vs. the energy it takes to maintain the low probability of the homeostasis of a messy closet.
A) This will be on my test in a couple of weeks. B) I have no idea what that says. and C) When I pretend that I do know what that says, it is somehow eerily representational of my life at this moment. I am maintaining my maximum structure with a finite amount of energy and I think I may become a bit of a messy closet shortly!
My schedule is idiotically crazy, as it has been for a little while now and it seems to be gaining crazy-momentum. Juggling work and driving here and there and making appointments and phone calls is one thing. The other thing...the harder/hardest/most painful thing, is managing the constant anxiety I am feeling surrounding my sessions with clients. I am so so so so SO NEW at this and boy, is it clear to me.
In general, I consider myself (after some hard work over the years) a confident person. In this moment, in my clinical training, I am experiencing a big blow to that (goodbye ego, whatever was left of you!) The second guessing of my abilities and extremely low self confidence is sort of taxing. Even though I recognize the process and know that whether or not I'm good at being a therapist doesn't determine whether I'm good or not at being a person, it's still totally brutal feeling like I'm sort of sucky at what I'd really like to be good at.
My saving grace is that before I started seeing clients I read in one of my textbooks somewhere that these exact feelings, these serious check ins about my capabilities will happen. I will find myself experiencing anxiety, changes in eating habits (great) and sleeping habits (no!!) and major doubts in my competency.
I wonder when it changes?
I ordered a book from Amazon today called "Doing Family Therapy: Craft and Creativity in Clinical Practice" by Robert Taibbi. While it looks like a great guide for the beginner therapist, what sold me on it was one sentence about being afraid but doing it anyway...
Monday, August 9, 2010
Oh by the way, we were out fooling around this weekend and stopped by Toyota (well, on the heels of Bob's Tacoma antenna being broken off at the car wash, we drove over to order him a new one). We've both been drooling over the Prius for a year + now, and on Saturday we drooled some more. I test drove a Corolla S, which was adorable and fun (and different from the Jeep I currently drive!) Talking about it and glancing over at our beloved Prius', we strolled over again and actually took a look at some nice used ones...now there's an idea! They actually had a good deal on a couple and it got me all excited again about buying a new car. My Jeep is great, and has lasted us a LONG time; I'm preparing for its demise though, as it is 13 years old and will probably need to be replaced at some point within the next year. I wanted to have an idea of a car to turn to so that when it dies or before it dies, the process of getting myself into a set of new wheels will be a bit easier.
at 6:14 AM
Well, it's been a really long time since I've blogged! I've been chugging away at work, clinical hours, finishing up a summer course, preparing for my fall comprehensive exam and...now fighting a case of poison ivy!
I pulled ONE weed out of my flower box last week and am now covered in the stuff. I even washed my hands after pulling the weed; I gave it a long look before I touched it and was slightly skeptical. It didn't look like poison ivy, actually, so God knows what I actually have...yikes. It's on my ear (!) neck, back, arms, and a little bit on my face. Sooo cute!
...whatever it is, calamine lotion, rubbing alcohol, and oatmeal baths are my friend.
Stayed home today to try and mellow it out of my body, as well as not scare my coworkers. Do have a lineup today, so I have to figure out what to do with the rest of the things on my agenda.
I've been in a shopping mood lately. Probably an unconscious effort to break out of routine and do something that feels good NOW. This hard work in the long run will feel good, but come on, there's nothing like instant gratification to fuel the fire! This weekend I shopped the sales at EMS and Anthropologie.
I need to take advantage of my 'day off' and study a bit...maybe take a nap in there somewhere.
at 5:53 AM