Thursday, August 26, 2010

2nd Law of Thermodynamics

A principle from physical sciences, aka the law of entropy.
This law postulates that all entities tend toward a state of decay. Every system will have a maximum structure that, over time, erodes. And every system has a finite amount of energy to maintain itself at that maximum structure. For example, the organization of a closet. Over time, it will become messy. The amount of energy it takes to main the high probability state of an organized closet uses more of the finite energy a system has vs. the energy it takes to maintain the low probability of the homeostasis of a messy closet.

A) This will be on my test in a couple of weeks. B) I have no idea what that says. and C) When I pretend that I do know what that says, it is somehow eerily representational of my life at this moment. I am maintaining my maximum structure with a finite amount of energy and I think I may become a bit of a messy closet shortly!

My schedule is idiotically crazy, as it has been for a little while now and it seems to be gaining crazy-momentum. Juggling work and driving here and there and making appointments and phone calls is one thing. The other thing...the harder/hardest/most painful thing, is managing the constant anxiety I am feeling surrounding my sessions with clients. I am so so so so SO NEW at this and boy, is it clear to me.
In general, I consider myself (after some hard work over the years) a confident person. In this moment, in my clinical training, I am experiencing a big blow to that (goodbye ego, whatever was left of you!) The second guessing of my abilities and extremely low self confidence is sort of taxing. Even though I recognize the process and know that whether or not I'm good at being a therapist doesn't determine whether I'm good or not at being a person, it's still totally brutal feeling like I'm sort of sucky at what I'd really like to be good at.
My saving grace is that before I started seeing clients I read in one of my textbooks somewhere that these exact feelings, these serious check ins about my capabilities will happen. I will find myself experiencing anxiety, changes in eating habits (great) and sleeping habits (no!!) and major doubts in my competency.

I wonder when it changes?

I ordered a book from Amazon today called "Doing Family Therapy: Craft and Creativity in Clinical Practice" by Robert Taibbi. While it looks like a great guide for the beginner therapist, what sold me on it was one sentence about being afraid but doing it anyway...

No comments:

Post a Comment